The Voice in My Head Can Be So Cruel

Saturday, October 2, 2021
It's been a while since I published a Momma Musings post (if you've missed any of them, you can find them all here). Momma Musings is a place where I can share more personal thoughts with you. It's a great forum for me to get things off my chest- things that I know others out there are feeling, too. I always have a lot of thoughts in my head, and speaking of which, sometimes those thoughts are not the kindness, at least not when it comes to myself. 

There is a voice in my head. 
Do you have one, too? 

Mine can be cruel sometimes. I always try to be the one to lift people up- to offer compliments, to see the best in people, to remind them that they're worthy and awesome and special. But I don't speak to myself the same way I speak to others, that's for sure.


Do you look in the mirror and think you're beautiful or handsome? That word, beautiful, is something I have never reserved for myself. The only time I truly ever felt beautiful was on my wedding day. Otherwise, I look in the mirror and say, ugh.  Always.  That voice in my head tells me I am never good enough. Never thin enough, never pretty enough, and lately, not young enough. Most of the time I know the mirror is like a funhouse mirror for me. It's distorted. In the 5th or 6th grade, a bunch of girls surrounded me on the playground and called me fat. One poked me in the stomach with a stick.  I was chubby, no doubt. And yeah, yeah, I know we should all let these things go, thirty-something years later, but that stuff stays with you. It lingers there in the back of your mind, or at least it does in mine. Not so much the action of what the kids did or said, but the feeling- the way I felt when they said it to me, that stays.  


When I was a teenager I suffered from terrible cystic acne. A boy in high school once cornered me with his buddies and said 'You are the ugliest girl I have ever seen.' His friend chimed in, 'I feel sorry for you.' I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary when they said this to me. I was on line in the auditorium, waiting to get my photo taken for picture day, ironically. I took Accutane several years later, (two cycles of it, to be precise, 6 years apart). It worked wonders for me (so if you're out there debating about whether to take this drug, I can assure you that it was the best decision I made - but that's a story for another Momma Musings).

I kind of think I resembled Shrek in my youth

This lack of self-confidence is precisely why I love filters and apps that can change the way I look or make me look remarkably better than I did before. And I don't care what others think about that- I own it- I always tell people that I love filters. I would never lie and say, 'Hey everyone, come see how good I look!' It's more like, 'Thank God for filters, here's my latest pic!'  And I especially love the ReFace app that can turn me into a completely different person (I always knew I would make an awesome Harley Quinn, see??)


The photo below sparked a bit of self-reflection for me. Which one do you think looks better? The photo on the left is the original. The photo on the right has added make-up and Bokeh effect for the background (it blurs the background but keeps the subjects in focus). I still prefer the one on the right, no matter what anyone says. My kiddo, well he's just perfect no matter what. ;)


I used to tell myself that I would be more successful if I were prettier. I love being on camera, for the most part. I can ad-lib. I don't mind speaking in front of a crowd or on video. I can even do accents and voices (my favorite!) but in my head I tell myself my lack of beauty has held me back. In reality, I'd say it was my lack of confidence, no?


'Tired of being compared to damned Britney Spears...she's so pretty...that just ain't me..."

That's a line from Pink's 'Don't Let Me Get Me,' and at the time that she said those words, I sure could relate! But everyone knows now (and maybe even then) that Britney Spears' life was no picnic, no matter how pretty she was. If you've read Jessica Simpson's 'Open Book,' you'll find the same struggles. We're our own worst enemies. Re-visit Pink a decade or so later and she sings, 'Stay unfiltered and loud you'll be proud of that skin full of scars...' 


Now, what do you think as you read my words? Are you thinking, 'she is friggin' crazy, she is beautiful?' Or do you think it seems impossible that I feel this way about myself? Well, there you go. Nothing is ever the way it seems on social media, or anywhere else for that matter. Everyone is fighting their own battle, everyone carries scars. Before you let jealousy or judgement take over, please remember this post. Kindness is the greatest gift we can give others and ourselves. I try to remind myself of this every day, especially when that voice creeps into my head. But it's a struggle, y'all. The struggle is real.

Post playlist: What You Are by Jewel, Don't Let Me Get Me by Pink, The Hype by Twenty One Pilots





















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